Abusive Relationship Patterns: What Are The Signs?
I had a Facebook friend message me about some horrific things that had happened to a woman that he had known. He gave me very specific details that were cringeworthy. If we don’t set boundaries, we allow people to walk all over us.
People desire relationships and to be loved, but sometimes the relationships don’t actually serve or help us like they are supposed to. If we get stuck in an emotionally or physically abusive relationship, we are taught that we are to serve one person and ignore our own wants and needs. We learn to accept life as a punishment rather than as a joy. It can leave us feeling chaotic and worthless at the end of the day.
If you’ve learned to accept emotionally abusive behavior as well as physically abusive behavior, you let your abuser know that it is acceptable to treat you that way. When you do not leave a relationship like this, you become subject to the mind games and negative consequences associated with abuse. You become someone’s punching bag. It could escalate and reach a fatal point if you do not get out.
Love is not abuse. Sometimes people deep down believe that they do not deserve better for themselves, but do not want to end up physically alone so they would rather stay in an unhappy relationship. Sometimes people are terribly afraid of living their lives alone. Sometimes people have a negative relationship role model in their lives growing up and think love is abuse. If you feel that you are constantly questioning yourself, do not feel comfortable around your partner, can’t relax or are on edge a lot of the time, you need to recognize that those are signs that you are ultimately not happy.
The Reader’s Digest website has an article called “10 Early Warning Signs of an Abusive Relationship” by Jenn Sinrich. She wrote the article about three years ago, but these signs still apply to abusive relationships today. “According to recent statistics, nearly 20 people are physically abused by an intimate partner every minute. If that’s not startling enough, one in three women and one in four men have been victims of some form of physical violence by an intimate partner. But abuse isn’t always physical — and it’s not always easy to detect, especially if you’re in the relationship yourself.” She includes these signs: extreme possessiveness, disregarding boundaries, controlling behavior, physical aggression, keeping secrets, ignoring you in time of need, gaslighting, unpredictable mood swings or angry blow ups, excessive worry and not saying sorry. If you don’t have a relationship where you and the other person both feel equal and valued, there is work to do still. If the other person chooses to stay stuck in his or her ways and ignores how you feel, that person is telling you that he or she does not value you enough to change. Then, at this point, you must make the decision to stay or leave the relationship. The questions you must ask yourself are these: Do you value your happiness? Do you want to sacrifice your well being in order to “be comfortable”?
If you’ve had a pattern of attracting and staying with abusive partners in your relationships, you may not have experienced a loving and worthwhile relationship. Maybe you’ve never had boundaries or don’t know how to set them. Maybe you believe that things will change one day. Maybe you don’t even recognize that something is wrong.
The energy of love is one of support, equality, sharing and happiness. When we try to make a partner feel inferior to us, we have issues with our own ego. Abusers may feel weak or a lack of confidence in their own lives and try to overexert themselves. They may feel justified in their actions and that what they are doing is fine. If we allow an abusive partner to continue to exist with us and be a part of our environment, we are saying that we allow and accept their energy.
Change is always possible, but if someone sees no need for change, then it will not happen. If you see a need for change, you have that option to improve yourself, your situation and your surroundings. Victims of abuse don’t have to stay victims forever.
