Growing Up I Felt Defeated, Isolated And Alone.
I did briefly mention that growing up I felt defeated, isolated and alone in my first blog post when I posted my Love Manifestation story, but I wanted to tell you more of how I grew up here…
I grew up with a lot of hyperawareness. I had to wear glasses. I had trouble expressing myself and making friends easily. I didn’t feel connected to anything. I felt like I was a burden that had to be “taken care of.” My home life was not relaxed and my parents seemed to always be working. They did make sure that we had what we needed in a material sense as far as necessities, but it didn’t feel like a true family. It felt more like having roommates. Usually my mom would call me on the way home from work asking what my sister and I wanted to eat and pick up something before she got home. My dad would always be doing a lot of paperwork and having patients to see. I felt like I never got to know my parents the way that I should have. I felt like the time was never there and that I never really had anything going on in my life that was important enough to fill the void of sadness. I did not feel important to anyone.
I wanted to be happy and I desired to feel a sense of worth. My parents did not have the time to listen to me most days. They mostly talked about what they were doing and what they did. They enjoyed telling work stories to each other because they were both in the same line of work. They could relate more to each other’s daily situations and struggles. Most of my interactions with my dad included just watching TV with him and laughing at the funny stuff that would happen on TV, but that was it. I hated answering questions about my life to people when they asked.
Back when I went to grade school, I had trouble making friends. It was difficult for me. I didn’t feel like anyone paid attention to anything that I would say. I wasn’t cute enough either. You know how some kids get away with doing things just because they were cute or funny? That wasn’t me. No one wanted to hang out with me. I looked like the girl from the “Little Miss Sunshine” movie. I read a lot of books. I was in Girl Scouts. I did my schoolwork. I watched TV. I mostly stayed to myself and tried to follow all the rules.
I learned at an early age to not do things that other people would not like. I learned to put other people’s desires above my own. I would just do the things that my mom wanted to make her happy. I would just do the things that my teachers wanted to make them happy. I felt like I had no identity.
That was the scariest part of my life… not being able to identify my own desires or who I was anymore.
In my teenage years, I felt that I needed to find out who I was again. I started doing outrageous things. I became more of a rebellious spirit. I wanted to feel something rather than feel dead. I yelled at my parents. I punched holes in the walls. I wore tons of makeup. I shifted into someone who was getting more attention and doing things my way. I got a lot of new responses from people. It made me feel more empowered.
In the end, I realized that empowerment can come in many forms. I went from one extreme, a shy, quiet girl, to another extreme, a rebellious, loud teenager. Empowerment is making yourself stronger and more confident… I think that somewhere in between this range was my true self. Being empowered doesn’t include making other people upset or damaging property. Being empowered means that you know who you are and that you go forward with your true purpose of knowing your self worth as well as what you can do to help those around you.