How Do You Know When You Love Someone?

Let me tell you a story…

As a child, I naturally kept to myself and would do things to keep me preoccupied. I played on my small Game Boy, read books or did homework.

I desired to get all of the time that I could to be by myself to do the things that I enjoyed doing alone. I wanted to get more support some days, but I didn’t know how and I didn’t have the tact, charisma or likability to get it. I felt like I couldn’t change these things. I was content with what I had. I did enjoy the time that I got to myself. I didn’t strive for getting more than what I had. What I was given, I appreciated. I didn’t know any other way.

A long time ago, there was one time that a boy sat next to me on the bus. It was odd. I had grown so accustomed to being alone and the school kids not choosing to be around me that it was nerve-racking and made me feel very uncertain. I didn’t know what to say or how to talk. I was used to not talking to many people as I was identified as being shy.

I realized that maybe I could be likable if I tried. I will never know what he thought or why he chose to sit next to me on the bus that day years ago.

I didn’t feel compelled to change very much of how I went about my daily life. I still stuck to what I liked, focused on following the rules and did schoolwork. It was a safe haven that was a constant and unchangeable.

There were times when I wanted to say things, but didn’t feel empowered enough to voice my opinion. I felt that no one would listen to me anyway. This was a crushing feeling. I got used to feeling voiceless. I felt that if someone wanted to know something, that person could just ask me. I didn’t feel like anyone was listening most times so it felt useless to talk. It felt like there was a lot of effort to talk when I did. It wasn’t natural. I would just block people out mentally at times because I didn’t want to have conflict or voice my opinion and then there be conflict.

I grew up getting used to following other people and letting other people take the lead. It was safer for me for many years to just follow and listen. I didn’t want to struggle any more than I already had. There was a shift for me in my teenage years into more of a rebel and I lashed out consistently in my speech. People were shocked and thought that I didn’t have a heart anymore. I felt that they were clueless with my lifelong struggle.

I didn’t know if I loved the boy that sat next to me on the bus that day. There was never time or a chance to know. I chose to not explore the option. I did not desire to know more at that point about him.

I do know that through understanding our own desires and having a willingness to change and be more open, more opportunities are possible that are in alignment with ourselves.