How To Give Yourself Permission To Love

Growing up, I had been used to bullying from guys, being ignored and being picked last in class. I had been programmed in my earlier years that I was unworthy of love. I got used to feeling embarrassed about myself and felt like I wanted to disappear most of the time.

I wanted to have an easier life. I felt everything was just so much harder than it had to be. I didn’t understand what being proud of myself meant or what self confidence was. I had a difficult time making friends in my formative years and often would deal with my sadness at home by crying in my room.

There was one point in school when I was asked to switch chairs with a girl so that she could be closer to her friend. I was extremely angry and frustrated. She treated me like I should just do what she said with no consideration to my feelings. She made me feel like I was just someone that got in the way. At this point, I was just wishing I didn’t exist.

I had to find something to live for. I had to change. I had to erase all of these negative feelings from my past.

I continued to immerse myself in knowledge and reading. I changed my viewpoint on many situations so that life became more tolerable and easier to understand. I gave myself time to be alone to think through my emotions.

It became hard for me to know who I was. I was used to not being satisfied with life and being disappointed repeatedly. I focused on being good and following the rules, but it led me to nothing. I knew that I did not feel love or have love for myself at the end of my teens going into my twenties. I had been pinpointed with issues left and right in my health. I even came to a point where I was so anxious that I stopped eating.

After my mom’s death, I looked to reinventing myself. I was in my early twenties. I felt that my childhood had died in a way. I was fine with that feeling. I looked to reconnecting with myself. I went to massage school and from there, got into energy healing. I also went on to learn more in the realm of psychic abilities. I became open to the many possibilities surrounding me. Religion had restricted me. Finding a spiritual path uplifted me.

I learned that I had to heal from all of the negativity that I had experienced. Because my emotions didn’t feel right, I became open to new ideas and better understanding of how I could live my life better. I was not open to love when I was younger because I felt judged continuously and never felt like I could accept myself since there were many other people “better” than me. This was probably due to the Catholic school environment, but it got to the point that I couldn’t even function. I finally got to the point where I can give and receive love and acceptance with my clouded and emotional past staying in the distance.