I Was Able To Be Successful In My Own Relationship.

In my blog post called “Do You Know The Pain Of Not Having Love?” I talked about knowing my own struggle that comes along with not feeling love or knowing how to express that appropriately.

Before I had the right information about relationships, I felt very misdirected and uncertain in my mindset as well as my actions. When I tried doing what I thought would get me closer to a guy, I was pushed away.

I wanted to be successful in a long term relationship, but in my mid-twenties, I had no experience in this area. I felt embarrassed. I felt that there was something wrong with me and that I was cursed. Maybe I just wasn’t meant to be in one. I wrestled with my own ideas and emotions as well as my actual desire.

One summer I had been abruptly dumped by a guy that I had been seeing for months. After this happened, I ended up spending as much time alone as possible in my room. I was absolutely flabbergasted. I was trying to replay moments in my head and find out where and what went wrong. I had no signs before this point in my mind that things were bad or going wrong. I felt my time had been wasted and that there was no hope. I felt like I was doomed to be played forever.

I realized that I would have to do things differently… if I wanted a different result, I would need to change what I’m doing right now and become more aware.

It was a step at a time… I couldn’t expect miracles, but I had to support myself and do things that were good for me again. I did new things. I planned places for me to go… going to a new vegan restaurant… going to a different event. I was just trying to feel joy again.

I had a lot of good times hanging out with myself, but I would be triggered in unexpected ways. I would be sad… I would be mad… sometimes I just felt disconnected and hurt with what was going on around me. I felt like I didn’t deserve to be confined to this mental prison in my mind.

I found that with practice, there comes more of an ease in taking action. It takes weeks to form a habit. I was able to form a habit even when I did things that were uncomfortable in the moment. I created a habit of doing things for myself that helped me to be more joyful and connected with my environment.

I went from being dumped in my past relationship to being single in a more joyful space and from there I continued to do things that would help me explore and empower myself. After this point, I was able to meet the man that I am currently with.