The Role Vulnerability Plays In Relationships
In observing couples from the sidelines, I have noticed that when a partner gets defensive, the other person shuts down and doesn’t respond or becomes defensive as well. If we feel an attack or a threat to our survival, we are triggered into giving a fight-or-flight response. This response is a physiological one that comes about when there is real or unreal danger.
The underlying motive of human beings is survival and to move away from pain. In relationships, humans want to connect with each other, but hurtful memories and feelings can be triggered intentionally or unintentionally by the partner. When someone becomes defensive, there are open emotional wounds and a lack of peace with specific topics or situations that have occurred. That person is trying to protect himself or herself from experiencing pain again.
The understanding of what danger is will be different between partners because the way he/she grew up, his/her childhood and overall life experiences. An example of actual real danger is a car accident about to happen with a car coming head on. An unreal danger is a partner bringing up a sexual topic and the other person shutting down and walking into another room because it brings up negative memories and feelings immediately. In dealing with an unreal danger in which a partner has shut down, there can be confusion and hurt between the actual couple caused from this interaction. This can disconnect relationships because on one side, there is a partner remaining open, but then on the other side, the person is unwilling to have open dialogue due to a connection of pain from the past.
Open, honest communication and dialogue helps couples and relationships to succeed. If one partner is feeling negative or closed off, it is best to express that in the best possible terms that he/she can.
For example, you could say “I’m not sure why, but I am feeling hurt and sad right now.” We may know or not know what is causing our feeling of being uncomfortable. Expressing our side using “I” and taking responsibility for our feelings helps to de-escalate arguments. Allowing our partner to know us fully is healthy to establishing understanding.
Being vulnerable a lot of times can be associated with weakness. Humans don’t want to be viewed as weak because then they can be targeted. Strength and power is valued in our society. People don’t want to be vulnerable a lot of times because they either want to be viewed as strong and powerful or they do not want their information to be used against them.
If you truly value your partner and trust that person, he/she shouldn’t be judging you for things that happened in the past. What matters is today and beyond. Challenges are things that everyone goes through, but they look a bit different from person to person. Allowing the person that we trust the most to understand us is integral to better intimacy in the relationship.
In dealing with a defensive partner, seek to understand him or her or give that person space to understand what is going on with him/her. If you notice yourself becoming defensive for some reason, express how you are personally feeling to your partner and what may be contributing to it. The goal here is connection and understanding.
