I grew up with kids who seemingly had perfect parents. Their yards were perfectly manicured. Their kitchens were really nice. Almost movie star status. The moms were always looking “on fleek.”
I wanted to know if their perfect facades matched what was going on in their lives. I wanted to be a part of these peoples’ lives, but I wasn’t. I wasn’t at a high level status like that. There was no way to tell. I was average and most people that I went to school with had something luxurious going on since I did go to private school. I didn’t make a lot of friends. I didn’t feel good enough about myself to begin with and when you throw all of these seemingly perfect lives that were around me… you got a recipe for lower self esteem and lower self worth as a whole. I knew that I had nothing relatable or cool going on. I didn’t do parties or even had a nice house where I could invite anyone over. It was embarrassing. I was constantly embarrassed of myself. I felt that there was nothing interesting about me or who I was.
Life seemed to pass me by. My daily struggle was to get through another day. I did not have a healthy relationship with myself.
I let worry, doubt and low self esteem conquer my life.
I spent as little time with people as possible in my teenage years. I didn’t go to dances. I didn’t go to any social events.
I wanted a healthy relationship one day, but I felt like I was already blacklisted as someone that no one knew anything about. A wallflower. There was no hope here and now for anything that resembled a relationship. My environment was so toxic telling me every day that I wasn’t good enough.
I ended up leaving my high school junior year. I was in such a horrible, anxious state that I wasn’t able to eat or think properly. I wasn’t getting adequate sleep. I always had tons of homework. Nothing was getting better.
I realized that something had to change. I was ecstatic to leave that high school. I focused on myself and what I needed to do with the rest of my life. I became more focused and thoughtful about my life as a whole. By leaving that high school, I was denying its hold over me anymore.
Healthy relationships are based on certainty, trust, positivity, love and communication. If I don’t have a good relationship with myself, I can’t help anyone else. I never looked back. I rebuilt a relationship with myself again after not knowing what this would look like. It had been a very long time since I had thought about what it would be like to feel better about myself again. I was excited, open and willing to learn about what the future would hold for me.